Quick memo: If you're on trial for murder, you better hope the jury doesn't see that large "MURDER" tattoo on your neck.
Courtesy of AP
Meet Jeffrey Chapman of Kansas. He's in a bit of a quandry.
You see, he's about to start trial in the murder of another man in 2011. And he think the jury may be influenced by that ridiculous MURDER tattoo that's vandalizing his neck.
So he's asking the court to send him to a professional tattoo artist to remove it or cover it up, because he thinks the jury will become prejudiced. Which, of course, they WILL. Prosecutors would rather the jury see this dumbass in all his glory.
Seriously, is there anyone more ridiculous looking than THIS guy?
You know a FRIST DATE went wrong when someone goes to jail!
Let's go to Dover, New Jersey, where a first date between a young woman and the 23-year-old man she met ONLINE (pictured above) seemed to start off well.
Apparently, it went TOO WELL, as she invited him back to her apartment!
When they arrived at her place, he saw something he REALLY wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't her. After leaving him alone for a couple of minutes while she "slipped into something a little more comfortable," returned - and noticed her date, her flatscreen TV and her DOG were all missing!!
YES, dude made off with her TV and her DOG! Who DOES that?!
However, the guy had a change of heart, and returned the TV and the pooch - in the yard in front of the woman's apartment. At 3am. With the dog's leash tied up to the TV.
So far, according to NJ.com, no arrests have been made. But at least the dog is okay.
Quick memo: If you're going to get a better view of the BLOOD MOON by climbing onto the roof of your school, leave your pot at home.
And you REALLY don't want to butt-dial the police!
Let's go to Ocala, Florida, where three teens wanted to get a better view of this week's lunar eclipse . . . so they climbed onto the roof of their local school to get a better look.
One of the teens also allegedly brought some weed...'cuz nothing improves your vision like getting high. Too bad they didn't have the vision to turn off their cellphones, because one of the moon gazers butt-dialed 911!
Since the call came from a school, dispatchers quickly sent police to the scene.
And officers reported seeing a "red glow." Yeah, too bad the glow wasn't from the moon. Officers spotted the light from the lighter, then saw the glow from the bong the teens were sharing on the roof. And THAT is precisely where police arrested the boys, ages 15 and 16.
Quick memo: If you're gonna show up for court to answer to drug charges, DON'T BRING DRUGS with you.
OH, and don't drive a stolen car to the courthouse.
Sonora Police Department
Let's go to Sonora, where the above 49-year-old genius was supposed to make a court appearance for a previous durg arrest,
Problem: He was in Redding (250 miles away), and didn't have a car. Solution: He decided to STEAL one from a used car lot.
Problem: He didn't want to get caught driving a stolen car. Solution: He decided to change the license plate on the car.
Two solutions = TWO FAILS!
Too bad the car had a GPS device! Poor bastard arrived at the courthouse in Sonora just as police discover the stolen car in their parking lot. Dude was arrested AGAIN (for grand theft auto), AND he had MORE drugs on him.
And his WIFE was arrested, too. She rode with him in the stolen car from Redding to Sonora, and claimed she didn't know the car was stolen . . . and that he told her he bought the car for $200.
Yeah, you show me a car that sells for $200, and I'll show you a car that needs an engine and wheels.
Quick memo: The CD below is NOT worth more than $4,000.
Let's go to England, where a math teacher failed at both finance and music during a recent vacation.
You see, the 43-year-old was visiting her boyfriend's family in South Africa. While she was chillin - having some wine, perhaps too much - she saw other people listening to music on the iPads and iPhones.
So she decided she was in the mood for some Neil Diamond! According to the Telegraph, she spent the equivalent of $14 to download "The Very Best of Neil Diamond" to her iPhone.
I DID mention she was in a foreign country, right?
Because when she got back home to England, she discovered she actually spent close to $4,300 in data charges to download the music. Apparently, she forgot about something called "ROAMING."
She even told the paper, "It wasn't a particular song that I wanted to hear. I'm really not that big a Neil Diamond fan. And I'd already got his Essential Neil Diamond CD at home, in my car."
HELLO! "I'm really not that big a Neil Diamond fan??" You've got the Essential Neil Diamond CD in your car! That's a must have for EVERY die-hard fan. Those of us who aren't fans, but don't mind hearing Sweet Caroline at sporting events, don't have his CD in our car while we download his CD in another country!
While she admits downloading a CD to her phone while in a foreign country was foolish, she also tells the paper, "But I also feel it is morally wrong to be expected to pay this sort of money for a Neil Diamond album."
HELLO!! You weren't charged more than $4,000 for the Neil Diamond music, you were charged several mortgage payments for the DOWNLOADING of the Neil Diamond music.
Happy Ending UPDATE: Her cellphone provider decided to wipe clean the charge. Hopefully, she's learned her lesson.
Seriously, who DOESN'T know that you're NOT supposed to make BOMB THREATS at an airport?
I mean, besidesAldon Smith?
Let's go to LAX, where the 25-year-old Smith - who's from San Jose - was going through the security checkpoint Sunday afternoon around 2pm when he was randomly selected for a secondary screening.
As someone who flies to SoCal every weekend for conjugal visits with the wife, I've had this happen to me TWICE. After going through the regular security screening, you go off to the side where you hands are "buffed" with an instrument that looks like a large plastic spoon, then you're frisked. The entire process takes only 30 seconds . . . as long as you don't mention that you have a bomb!
It was during this secondary screening when Smith became agitated, and either yelled BOMB!, or told screeners that he HAD a bomb.
Since you're not even allowed to SAY the word BOMB at an airport, let alone at the security screening, he was arrested, and is free on $20,000 bail. He faces up to a year in prison - which is STILL better than playing for Cleveland.
This is his 4th criminal case in the last two years – hell, just last Friday, he had two separate criminal cases hogging the local judicial docket. One involved a DUI crash here in San Jose, and the other involved an incident at his San Jose home, where – to break up a party - he fired a gun into the air, and was promptly stabbed.
Quick memo to thugs: If you want to kill a party, just turn off the music.
And now a BOMB THREAT at an airport! And this happened at Terminal One at LAX, which is like Terminal B at San Jose Airport, which begs the question: Since when did NFL players fly Southwest?
Because you might get into a fight with the minister, you might end up in jail, and the bride may dump you.
Let's go down under to Australia, where the above-pictured 41-year-old guy is not only NOT married, he's single - and he's got another court date in a couple of weeks.
You see, he was SUPPOSED to get married in February. Except he parties too hard the night before during his bachelor party.
(What a ROOKIE! THIS is EXACTLY WHY you don't schedule the bachelor party for the night before the wedding! How could a 41-year-old not SEE this?!)
When he showed up the next day to exchange vows with his fiancee, the minister was not happy that the groom showed up still drunk, swaying, covered in bruises, and his clothes were torn. SO he refused to perform the wedding for ethical reasons.
The drunken groom didn't take to that too well, so he started a fight with the minister.
Polcie were called out to break up the fight, and the groom-to-be was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. His preliminary hearing was last Thursday - he has another court date coming up in a couple of weeks.
The wedding? FUHGETTABOUTIT. After he was arrested, his fiancee dumped him.
There are days when you just don't want to go to work.
And there are MANY ways to blow off your job without getting into any trouble, including:
1) Fake illness
2) Fake death in the family
3) Fake doctor's appointment
How about Fake Burglary At Your House?
Let's go to Brandon, Florida, where the above pictured 31-year-old was not in the mood to go to work Monday. SO he came up with what he thought was a genius plan to take the day off - he decided to ransack his OWN home, then call 9-1-1 to report a burglary at his house!!
Gee! What could go wrong with calling 911 for a fake burglary?
Deputies found the front door open, the interior of the house appeared to have been ransacked and the front bedroom window and blinds were open. They did not discover any signs of forced entry, however.
While talking to neighbors, they learned from a source that (the homeowner) was seen leaving the residence at 6:30 a.m. and returning home at 7:15 a.m. He was seen walking in the front door and lifting the blinds and opening the front bedroom window. He came back outside his home was seen standing in the front yard until deputies arrived, the source said.
Not to mention, when deputies discovered a neighbor had a surveillance camera which showed the guy's house, they checked it out - and saw NOTHING.
Deputies confronted (the guy), who admitted he staged the burglary to avoid having to go to work. He stated his wife was adamant that he go to work and he didn't want to, deputies said. Deputies said he told them he didn't think he could go to jail for doing this.
(He) was arrested and taken to Orient Road Jail.
Yeah, nothing shows you're a lazy dumbass like calling 911 to try to get out of work - then telling police your wife "made you go!!"
Quick memo: If you're going to do an April Fool's prank on your daughter, you probably shouldn't do one that brings out the police and gets you arrested.
Let's go to Spartanburg County, South Carolina, where the above 54-year-old Virginia College employee (NO, I have no idea why Virginia College is in South Carolina) thought it would be HILARIOUS to text her 34-year-old daughter in New York the following:
OMG! I hear shots being fired! Going into hiding
What! Are you KIDDING me?
And when her daughter tried to get in touch with her, she wouldn't answer her phone. I mean, you don't want to ruin a epic April Fool's prank by letting your daughter know that you're actually alive...so the daughter, who's now freaking out hundreds of miles away, calls 9-1-1 to report the shooting where her mom works.
Cops raced to the school, where - APRIL FOOLS - nothing was going on! Well, not until she was handcuffed - THEN something was going on.
She SHOULD be out of jail in time for NEXT April Fools, where she should just do what 90% of all females did yesterday – announce they were pregnant.